Still more things to do!

When I wrote my last post, "Doing all the Things!", I included a huge list of all of the things we had been up to, a short 2 weeks into the summer. It was a LONG list. And yet, it was such a tip on the iceberg! We have been playing so much. I guess I am only here now to gush about how great the last few weeks have been...

Birthdays! Athan turned 9, and Taly had a BLAST at Rowan's 3rd birthday party (Spiderman was scary, but then he was "MY BEST FRIEND EVER.").

Fun in the Yard - Food to harvest, lawns to mow, water slides to build!

 Stay-Cation at Snowbird, followed by brunch at Alta.

Hot days by the pool!

I joined a mom's soccer team for the summer!

One afternoon, I was driving home and saw some trucks in front of the high school. Even though the trucks were unmarked, my Drum Corp radar went off. Sure enough, Phantom Regiment was rehearsing on the football field! Gabe, Taly, Grandma and I went over and watched for about 40 minutes. It was a blast (no Star pun intended).

And then there have been the splash pad days... Father's Day, and every available moment since...

There have also been weekly workshops at Sego Lily; tree climbing; putting up a pool in the back yard (and the JOY of having a tanker truck show up to fill it with water!); cookie baking; trips & adventures with friends- Athan went to Mystic Hot Springs for 5 days!; and almost every evening we have had dinner on the porch, and the after dinner activities have included kicking the soccer ball, running through sprinklers, tossing the football, riding bikes, and so much more. Seriously, my heart is so full.

And then there are moment when my heart practically stops, like this one:

This is why I have health insurance... At least he made it :)

Happy Summer, everyone!

Doing All the Things

Last summer was tough. I remember sitting in my kitchen in early May in tears, as I realized that the summer we had been planning (Athan had spent hours on Pinterest pinning enough crafts and science experiments to last twelve summers) was not going to happen. Instead, I would spend almost every waking hour at Sego Lily School getting our new campus ready for Fall. I needed a break, and wasn't going to get it.

But oh, this summer... we are only 2 weeks in, and have already done more in those two weeks than we managed in the entire summer last year. We've played in the water, and gone to the fair, and camped in the yard, and played in more water, and gone to the splash pad, and watched a movie in the park, and done crafts, and built a water slide in the back yard, and played at the park, and gardened and enjoyed our house, and taught the 13 year old to run the riding mower, and barbequed and seen friends, and done a workshop at Sego Lily, and played in the water some more.

Taly in his pool

Taly at the splash pad

Ahhh... sun on my skin!

Taly had SO much fun on the carnival rides! He looks worried, but he smiled most of the time!

"Driving lessons"

Home-made water slide

Gardening bounty

Movie in the park

And even though that sounds like a lot for 2 weeks, it hasn't felt busy at all. In fact, it has been very relaxing, and I have also found time to clean my house and write and work.

We recently overhauled Sego Lily School's Open House presentation. We still cover the basics about how our school works, and the hours we are open, all of those things parents need to know to make an informed decision. However, we also spend about half of the time talking about the importance of PLAY and why it is such an integral part of what our students do all day. While I am talking, I tend to use several examples to make the various points in the presentation. Usually, these examples include are a toddler learning exploring her environment, a group of 8-10 year old children playing an imaginative game in the yard, a mixed-age group playing a board game, and an adult pursuing some interest. It's easy for people to see the value of toddlers and young children playing, but using these examples they begin to see how play is essential for older children in teens, and the ways that play shows up in their own lives as well. Adults play in different ways. Some of us play video games or board games, some of us explore new technology, or educate ourselves about things that have nothing to do with what we NEED to know (though when those things can overlap, life can really be fun!). For some adults play is social gatherings, for others it is the solitary act of completing a Sudoku puzzle. Regardless of how we play, we all need to play.

That was what was missing for me last summer. It wasn't simply a matter of taking time off from work, it was taking time out to play that was missing. Even things that I enjoyed, like working in my garden, became work instead of play, mostly because I was cramming them into short bursts of time when I didn't really want to be doing them. Playing these last two weeks has been restorative at a level I cannot even put into words.

Of course, the kids are playing, too. Both Athan & Gabe have taken on reading challenges for the summer, which is amazing, and I think it is having the time to play that has given them both a desire to take down time for reading as well. Suffice it to say, I have a lot of happy kids around me right now.

There is more I could say on this subject, but I have to get ready for a birthday party and then a night in the mountains. I'm too busy playing to sit still for too long! And that feels like a beautiful thing.

Resiliency is a Beautiful Thing

I just spent an hour writing the most perfect blog post. Then I accidentally deleted it. Then I cried. Now I am going to try to write it again...

In February, I wrote in the Sego Lily School blog to explain that Corbin, my oldest, had decided to attend public school. You can read more about that here, but the short version is that he wanted to see what high school is like, and have the experience most kids in our country are having on a daily basis.

It is a struggle for me, now, to not title this post "How Public School Broke My Kid." This, of course, is just my playing with language - my kid is not broken. But oh man, did it do a number on him. Here's what happened.

First, the good stuff: Corbin did well in his classes. He was proud that he passed all of his classes at the end of his first term, especially since he started late and had to catch up to make those grades. He even did well with math - he and I spent several evenings together while I helped him with algebra and geometry, and he managed to pick up most of it very quickly. He enjoyed his photography class, and even won an award at the district art show for one of his 3-D art class projects. He learned a lot about free speech - including the fact that you will face resistance when what you have to say goes against the grain. He also made a few friends, and got to see what education looks like for most people his age.

The negatives, however, far outweighed the positives. Corbin felt bullied every day. As a non-straight, gender fluid person, he struggled to find acceptance. He listened to others debate his gender behind his back. Even at the GSA after school club (gay straight alliance), he found no one who could see outside our societies binary structure of gay or straight, male or female. He experienced bullying from teachers as well - when he chose not to stand for the pledge, one teacher responded with his personal views about his military service, leaving Corbin feeling as though he was being pressured to take actions he strongly opposes. Corbin also shared many stories with me of being the only person in a class with any knowledge of, or interest in, the subject matter. He was experiencing the all-too-real dynamic of kids who don't care about learning. He wasn't always enthusiastic about everything he was doing, but I heard in his voice the sadness of being the only one who seemed to care.

So much of what was happening, though, was intangible. My kid - the one who has always been opinionated, but has also always been up for a good conversation - stopped talking. He took on a victim mentality, and started speaking as though he was hopeless and had no choice in his life. One night we were talking about his future, and he stated that his only goal was to make enough money to live. He no longer cared about college, or any meaningful career, and all he wanted to do was get out of the house as soon as possible.

His father and I had become the enemy. He wasn't hateful, he just didn't want to be around us, or talk to us, or interact with us more than the absolute minimum. He was resentful that his dad was waking him up for school in the mornings (after practically begging to go to school!), and wouldn't open up to either of us about what was going on in his social life.

One night, after some drama, the three of us were sitting together attempting to get to the bottom of what was going on. What I realized in that conversation was that Corbin really did feel as though he had no choice. I don't know if being part of the crowd of 3,500 kids had made him lose his voice, or forget how to use it, or something else, but we have always taught him that we can fix any problem through communication, and he wasn't talking. I mentioned him not finishing the school year (part of the agreement we had when we started), and he said "I thought that wasn't an option." As soon as he realized that he could choose, he began to discuss the things he wanted to do - graduate from Sego Lily School next year, apprentice with a photographer, finish out Odyssey of the Mind projects for World Finals, and more.

Within a day, he was talking to me about where he was going (including exact addresses), how he was feeling, and what he wanted to do. Within a week, he had opened up about some personal stresses he has been struggling with. He got to work on Odyssey props, starting communicating with his brothers, and became happy again. It was like a light came back on in him.

Here's the thing about resiliency. We tell parents who come to Sego Lily School that yes, their children will learn to read and write, and add, and everything else they need to know to be successful in the world, but more importantly they will learn lessons about who they are, how they learn, and who they want to be in their lives. I can honestly say that those lessons are things Corbin learned. Yes, he needed a reminder and a nudge to remember that he learned them, but without those lessons I fear we would be facing intensive therapy with him right now. Instead, he bounced back into being my opinionated, vocal, amazing child. Yes, he's a tired teenager, busy trying to figure out how the world works, but he is OK. He isn't broken, that's for sure.

I'm not one to say "I told you so," but I will say this. When Corbin was little, I knew that a standard educational experience was not going to work for him. I decided to take on the joys, stresses, workload, and insanity of starting a school and keeping it alive for him, and for his brothers. I say to you now, my children - this is for you. It was the right thing to do, and it continues to be the right place for me to put my time and energy. I won't question that again after this experience (well, I might, but in those moments I will remind myself of this moment). I'm sorry we had to learn a lesson in such a painful way, but it was worth it.

Judicial Committee In action, Cookie Style!

"Mom, I have a sentence!"

Thus begins a conversation with my 6 year old, when I pick him up from school last week. "Let's hear it, dude," I reply.

"I have to bake cookies for everyone and bring them to school."

I, of course, am thrilled to bake cookies with my little guy, and impressed with the creativity that the JC (Judicial committee) had that created such a unique sentence. I also cannot help but wonder what led to this cookie-baking sentence.

Let's rewind, for anyone reading who is unfamiliar with our Sudbury Schooling model, or the Judicial processes involved. My children attend Sego Lily School, a private school started by my husband Craig & myself about 10 years ago. The school is based on the Sudbury Valley School and follows three general principles: self-directed learning, a democratic governance, and a judicial process that handles conflicts and rule infringements that need community support to be settled. The JC is centered on the premise that when a member of the community (regardless of age) 'damages' the fabric if integrity that makes up the school, the community can gather to mend that fabric in whatever way is necessary. May times, the 'sentences' handed out by the JC are quick, simple fixes: you left litter on the lawn, you go pick up 10 pieces of trash to help clean up the school; you mis-used school property, you lose the privilege to use that property until you can demonstrate an ability to use it safely. Other times, things are more involved, and that is where the real learning begins.

I have been involved in many JC cases over the years. Those that involve conflict between students are some of the most common. This student felt picked on or teased by that one, or these kids felt that these other kids weren't being fair with their use of a room. Sometimes they are more serious, such as the case of a student who felt he was being teased because of his skin color. These are the times when the JC gets into the real conversations with kids - trying to help us all understand the world, and the impact of our actions, a little bit better. Sometimes, there are no sentences given at the end of these discussions (with the exception of a warning) - the conversations themselves are much more useful than any further consequence would be.

So, why cookies? Well, my little sweetie has a temper. He is generally a loving, peaceful, happy kid - he will play with anyone, loves to share, and can create imaginary games for hours on end. He also gets frustrated when anything appears unfair to him, and, because he is six, often lashes out when those kinds of things happen. I don't know all of the details (as his mom, I am now allowed in the JC meeting when it involves my own children, unless I am directly involved in the issue), but he had one of these 'moments', yelled at some people, turned off a computer someone was using, and tore up the computer sign-up sheet. He was charged with 'disturbing the peace' and 'mis-use of school property.' The JC was looking for ways for him to make up for the impact of these actions - and a "Peace Offering" seemed like just the thing. I guess someone on the committee likes cookies, so the sentence was agreed upon.

    Yesterday, We brought cookie dough to school. Athan diligently sliced cookies and placed them on the tray. He helped me set the timer. He washed all of the dishes. And, after school meeting, he helped serve cookie sandwiches (we also brought ice cream for my birthday!) to everyone who was at school. I asked him, at some point, if he was enjoying himself. He thought for a moment, then said, "Yes, because I like to cook, but I feel like I'm supposed to say no, because it's a sentence. But I am having fun, and I want to do this again, well not the JC part though, I don't want to yell at people, I just want to make cookies again."

I love that even in the midst of having fun, making cookies with mom, and anticipating the sugary treat, he was still thinking about the reasons he was doing this, and the action he took (yelling) that he didn't want to repeat. I love that this whole thing was able to be experienced without him feeling ashamed of himself for getting angry,  but still with the clear knowledge that the way he handled that anger didn't work. Will he get angry again? Of course. Will he handle it better next time? I guess we will see. I do know, however, that the whole experience had an impact on him. Lesson well learned, little guy....Lesson well learned.

Desk Job

This is another 'oldie but goodie' that I wrote some years back. It explains a lot about the idea of why allowing children to choose their learning paths & create their own schedules really works. Since I decided to get back to writing in this blog regularly, and I have a sleeping baby on my chest, I thought copying an old article today would be a good idea. So here you go!

Desk Job

Imagine, for a moment that you have a desk job. Some of you may have to do more imagining that others, but we’ve all got enough of an idea of what that would look like for this exercise. Let’s pretend you have some sort of management/sales position. Your job is to sell stuff, while leading a sales team and reporting to upper management. You can pick the kind of company – imagine yourself selling chocolate or shoes or cars or whatever makes you happy.

Alright. It’s 8am, and you report to your desk. An alarm goes off on your computer, telling you to read and return emails. You open up your email program, and get to work. Lots of messages today – some from customers, others from your sales team, still more from corporate headquarters. You dive into a few, and are in the middle of composing a response to your boss about a presentation you are to make when your email program shuts down. A new alarm is now beeping to you, and you are to stop writing emails immediately and check your voicemail.

Hmm, you think to yourself, that was important to me. But, I guess I need to get to those voicemails now, and I’ll finish the emails later. You pick up your phone. You have one message, which you quickly listen to. Three minutes later, you have finished speaking with the person who left the message. However, according to the alarm system on your computer, you must spend the next 11 minutes making phone calls. You call two customers and leave messages (it’s really too early to reach the people you need to reach), and then you notice you have 7 minutes left before you are allowed to move on to another task. You look at your list of approved activities (those you are allowed to do when you have finished your current tasks), and find they are all useless to you in terms of your actual job. You choose the least ridiculous one, and spend 6.5 minutes playing solitaire until the next alarm beeps. It is now 8:30.

Finally you hear that familiar sound. You look at the new alarm – “Work on presentation.” This makes your stomach turn. Tomorrow you will be giving a big presentation to the entire upper management team in your office. When you were given this task, you were excited – visions of colorful graphs and applause from your superiors danced through your head. Unfortunately, the system of alarms by which your day is dictated has left you unprepared for the big day. You know that you will be finishing this up tonight at home, and your children and spouse aren’t going to be happy about that. Still, you dig in, creating another few slides in your power-point presentation, and hoping that the research you have managed is adequate. Ninety minutes later another bell goes off, and you groan. You are still only about ¾ of the way complete with this task, and you will not be allowed to work on it again today.

It’s 10am now, and the new alarm tells you to “attend sales meeting.” Diligently, you grab a folder of papers and head for the boardroom. Your sales team has arrived, and you spend the next 55 minutes updating one another on the status of various customers. When the next bell rings at 11:00, one of your team members is in the middle of talking about an important client. It doesn’t matter – you cut him off and leave the room. You are now heading to lunch, even though you aren’t hungry yet.

I could go on, but I think I’ve made enough of a point. Obviously, this kind of scenario is 1) ridiculous, and 2) unworkable. No sales manager would allow his or time to be scheduled in this way, nor would they do well at their job if they did! In the real world of business, managing one’s time well is an essential skill. You need to know how much time to give to various elements of your job, and while of course there are always schedules to follow – meetings with clients or co-workers need to happen at specific times – flexibility must be given where needed. Certainly you won’t find a good business person playing solitaire because they aren’t allowed to work on more important tasks. Apply all of these concepts to life at home – family, social, or leisure time – and you can see some of the same correlations. If a stay-at-home mom tried to live like this, her children would revolt rather quickly. General schedules like lunch around noon are great, but most children will not go down for a nap at exactly 11:40 and wake up at 1:10. It just isn’t a reality.

And yet, this is EXACTLY the way we run one of our country’s biggest institutions – the pubic school system. Math time starts when reading time ends, children are fed when they aren’t hungry (or have to wait to eat while their stomachs are grumbling), and that really great science project isn’t given the attention or time that it deserves. The really interesting part of all this is that after these children graduate, having spent 12 years in this kind of system, we are annoyed that they don’t know how to manage their time, or get things done! It’s kind of like training someone for 12 years to be a dancer, and then being angry at them for not knowing how to be a veterinarian.

Schools like Sego Lily School and the Sudbury Valley School give children the responsibility of managing their time at an early age. They learn to prioritize, and to choose activities in which they really want to engage. They also are given the freedom to fully throw themselves into those activities in which they have a real interest and passion, whether they choose math or painting or basketball. The point is that from the time these children enter a Sudbury model school, THEY get to choose how to spend their time, and not have it dictated by the sounds of bells or a teacher’s voice saying “Let’s move on.”

Often we hear an argument that sounds something like this: “Well, in the REAL world there are schedules, and you can’t tell your boss that you’ll do your work when you feel like it!” We agree completely with this argument. However, we counter that when people of any age are participating in activities by choice – a job they chose, a class they want to take, a project they are excited about – they also choose the structures that come with that activity. If a Sudbury student chooses to take a math class, she may have to arrive at 10am and do homework assignments. However, the mere fact that she chose to take the class alters her perception of those structures – she chose them along with the class itself.

The results of this kind of learning show (as outlined in both Pursuit of Happiness and Legacy of Trust, research done by Sudbury Valley School on their graduates) that students become happy, productive members of the “real world.” An advantage they have over other productive, happy members of society is that they left school ready to manage their own schedules, go to college classes on time, or get their work done on the job. The work that most American young adults do in college – of finding their path in life, maturing, and learning to live responsibly – is done ahead of time. And we don’t have to waste time being angry at the results of a system that we created.

Editing the Sego Lily School website, I came across this article I wrote about 8 years ago. It's worth a read, or a re-read, if I do say so myself. I was reminded not only of the beauty of the four-square games played, or the lessons I learned from playing & watching, but also of the daily ways these lessons play out here every day. Enjoy!

Gathered on the pavement is a long line of people –young, old, in various states of fitness and with varying amounts of energy and talent. Each one is watching the game intently – four male staff members, from different schools, are engaged in the most aggressive, competitive four square game you could imagine. The ball is being slammed with full force from one player to the next; men are diving from within inches of the asphalt. Suddenly one misses, and with cheers from the crowd, he walks to the end of the line.

Into the first square steps a little girl in a pink dress – probably five years old, maybe even younger. Her blonde curls bob as she takes her place in the game, grinning from ear to ear. The remaining three men become instantly calm, as one gently serves to another. The ball is lightly tapped over to the girl, who is so busy smiling she misses. She happily skips to the back of the line, and waits for her next turn.

Another girl steps in – this one probably twelve or thirteen. The energy picks back up a little – but no where near the level it was originally. The girl plays well, she advances a square, and soon there are three young teens and one staff member left. People of all ages and abilities take their turns in the game, and each one brings a slightly different level of energy and competition to the game.

This was a daily scene at the Sudbury Valley Summer Conference. Four square was a gathering point at every meal and break. Approximately 200 adults and 95 children gathered at Sudbury Valley in July for five days of workshops, lectures, networking and socializing – and four square. I mention the game, not only because it was so much fun to watch and participate in – but because the game, and the way it was being played completely demonstrates the way our schools work. Here is what I mean:

Rules: Four square, like our schools, has very clear rules. Lines are drawn, and each player must stay within those lines in order to participate. If you violate the rules, you loose your privilege to play, and you have to wait until your next turn to play again. Sort of like our JC – when you break a rule, something happens (we call this consequence a ‘sentence’), and it often results in a lack of privilege to ‘play’ – you must spend 10 minutes picking up trash instead of doing what you want to be doing, for example.

Social Interaction: In the game of four square, people had to adjust themselves to the group with which they were playing and interacting. There wasn’t any conversation happening in the game – you didn’t hear people saying, “Oh, we have a little one in the square, everyone be gentle.” It just happened. And everyone was conscious to the adjustments that needed to be made – it kept the game fair and fun. Our schools are like this – when people of all ages are interacting with one another all of the time, we learn to speak in ways that communicate to each person. Staff at our schools don’t expect the five year olds to behave like the sixteen year olds, yet we give them all of the same opportunities and responsibilities, allowing for their developmental differences in our interactions.

Competition: I don’t think I have ever watched a game in which people REALLY wanted to win – and yet there was no crying, whining, or complaining when anyone came out of the game. Everyone tried his or her hardest, yet no one experienced a loss of power when they didn’t do as well as they liked. This is the spirit that we try to create in our schools. Its important to do one’s best at everything in life – why would you bother doing something that you weren’t going to put your heart into? We also want our students to know that you don’t always win at everything you try, but that shouldn’t dissuade you from trying.

Learning Curve: Some of the people at the conference had never played four-square before. Some of them, who were from Jerusalem and Holland, had never even seen the game. And of course there were experts, and everything in between. The rules were explained to our new players (and interpreted into other languages when necessary), and as people developed their skills they were reminded of rules, coached in their playing, and given helpful hints along the way. Our way of ‘teaching’ here is much the same. When a student wants to learn something, we assess their level of competency, give them some basics, and then ask how they want to proceed. We give coaching and hints along the way, and if they ask for more help they get it.

I could go on. I was mesmerized by the game, and spent hours musing on the parallels that were being exhibited while it was being played. It was only one of the many wonderful experience I had that week. The privilege of spending five days with people who are fully committed to our model of education was an experience I will never be fully able to put into words, and I am in the process of writing up everything I learned that will help forward what we are up to at Sego Lily School.

I did take my turn in the square one morning. Four female staff started the game, and I was the first one to get out. I’m not good at four-square, and to be honest I have never had the motivation to really try or learn. But I did want to be able to say that I had participated in the game – that I had tried, and that I had participated in such a beautiful example of inclusion, healthy competition, and play.

Last night (April 9th) we had a first time experience at Sego Lily School - TWO young men defended theses and graduated from our school at the same time - these are our third and fourth graduates. One of them spoke about how dealing with change in his life had prepared him for being a successful adult; the second spoke primarily about how attending Sego had helped him be someone who enjoyed being around others, and could manage a team. They were both eloquent, nervous, and powerful. I'm proud of them both in so many ways.

Each graduation, I think that one day, that will be MY kids up there. In my experience (having been on thesis committees for about 60 kids now, most of whom were at Sudbury Valley School), students who attend Sudbury schools their whole lives write pretty boring theses. "I spent my whole life here, it was great, now I'm going to college to do X." They haven't had the challenges of - for example - dealing with a bully in their 6th grade classroom, or feeling lost in a crowd of 3,000 high school kids. I actually talked to C a few weeks back - he said straight up, "I have no idea what I'd write. It's just, you know, my life." He's got about 5 years to come up with something, so I am sure he will - but he's right about one thing.

For children who spend their WHOLE LIVES in an environment in which they are trusted, respected, loved, and honored, it IS just LIFE. It's a life I would have loved to have, and one people who tour our school tell me they would have loved to have for themselves, too. I'm looking forward to a boring thesis, one that says, "This is just the way life should be, for everyone - we should be respected, and free to pursue what we want, so long as we are respecting others." The lessons learned are the same, sans the drama. How cool would THAT be to experience?